An Open Letter from someone who has lost several friends to Pornography.

I have had many friends face pornography and lots of other kinds of addictions in their lives. Some of them have thrown it off. But for many of them, it has destroyed my relationships with them. Read this article in the light of whatever addiction you or a friend might be facing.

***********************************’

Dear Friends,

First off, I am sorry for the fact that I seem to have reacted in such a bipolar way to all the problems addiction has caused. You probably saw me showing compassion towards you as well as possibly expressing some anger. You see, we have all been in the grip of danger and/or evil before. I know that it is a hard place to be. I feel a lot of compassion for you as I watch you fight a battle to get out of the darkness you’re feeling.

What makes me angry is when I see people when they just give up. When they say there’s nothing they can do, they can’t get over this, and there’s just no point in trying either. They quit fighting. They quit trying. And they let it destroy their life and their good relationships.

Well, let me teach you some things. Your body heals very quickly. It wants to heal. And your brain can completely reprogram itself in just 2-5 years. You might say, “Oh, well that is a really long time to have to fight this to completely overcome it.”

And that might be true, but it has got to be better than sitting in a life of darkness and misery for the next 50 or 60 years instead. I daresay that 50 years of misery is quite a bit longer than just 5 years of fighting for good.

And anyway, it gets easier and you get stronger with every week, month, and year that goes by with you fighting against it. Your body and your mind are programmed to heal and become good again. It was all good originally, and that’s really what it wants to get back to.

If you’re addicted to cigarettes, beer, or drugs, the minute you stop putting them into your body, your body starts fighting to get it all back out again. You cough out the tar, you pee out the alcohol, and you sweat out the other toxins. It takes time, but you’ve got the time. If you’ve got the time to follow the addiction, than you’ve got the time to fight it instead. It might be an uphill battle or like climbing a waterfall. But I've climbed a waterfall, and it's definitely possible.

Just ask yourself, "Where do you want to be in five years?" 

Also, do you really think that this is just your battle to fight? It might be just your battle to fight if you were absolutely the only one affected by it. But you’re not. You’re definitely not. No matter what it is, you’re not.

So, we fight this together. And I really have no problem fighting any sort of battle against evil as long as we’re actually fighting it. I enjoy the battle actually. Stomping it out, beating it back, and putting a dagger in the heart of darkness.

But just letting it go on. Withdrawing from the people who love you. Pretending like you’re going to go off on your own and fight this by yourself and then come back good as new suddenly. Well, that’s just not going to work.

I’m tired of you all withdrawing. I’m tired of you all running away. When I’m your friend, I’m your friend through it all. When I love you, I love you through it all.

Love me enough to at least let me stand by you while you find the strength and the courage to throw off the shackles and the darkness. I am not judging you. I just want you to fight. I love seeing you fight.

Everyone slips into darkness. And everyone has the choice whether or not to stand back up again and walk back towards the light and happiness.

Evil starts losing its power the minute… no, the very second, you start standing up, fighting it, and getting away from it. Resist it and your resistance becomes stronger. Resist it again, and your strength even doubles. You just keep going. You just keep fighting. You just keep walking away.

And that’s where I come in. This world and this lifetime are a battle against good and evil. If it is bringing you down and making you the kind of person you don’t want to be, get away from it. Even if other people say that it’s fine or that it’s not a big deal, still get away from it. The world is unhappy, and I am certainly not going to try following anything they all are trying to say is alright or good.

You call me if you’re struggling. I am way past the age where I would judge people. I don’t care what darkness you’re fighting, you let me fight it with you. I will talk to you any time of the day or night. My phone is on, and I am here. Call me, message me, email me, anything. I will respond in kindness and gratitude for your strength and courage. I promise. Because you are doing an incredible and brave thing. And I understand that it’s hard. But I’ve seen you do hard things before.

Do not walk away from me. Do not give up. This is a battle I know you can win. You might slip up. You might fall down again. You just call me. And we’ll talk about it again. And we’ll remind each other why the battle is worth fighting.

Because in the end, anything good is worth fighting for. And I want you to have the happiest life you possibly can get. The future is whatever you choose to make of it. And the world really needs more people standing up and fighting for what’s right.

So, where do you want to be in 5 years?

Tara

Get Off the Easy Path

To say that I am concerned about the world is a HUGE understatement. A lot of us are, I think. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t mind having a little bit of fire and brimstone rain down. Surely the world we are in now cannot be better than Sodom and Gomorrah were.

We live in a filth-filled, sex-driven, pleasure-seeking world where huge numbers of innocent people are tortured and abused every day. The average age of children being exposed to pornography is six. Children are getting addicted to porn and sexual feelings before they can even really know what’s going on.

Why are the adults of this world allowing such terrible things to penetrate every area of life? Why are they allowing such soul-sucking, heart-wrenching filth fill the media and minds of everyone?

President Ezra Taft Benson said, “You cannot do wrong and feel right. It is impossible!”

All these people who are knowingly perpetuating the sin and crime in the world will one day be held accountable before God.

And none of them can possibly be happy right now.

Everyone is seeking for happiness. Yet they are doing everything opposite from what would actually bring it to them. They want the easier, pleasure-filled route, rather than the seemingly harder, joy-filled paths of life. But in the end, sin makes life harder, not easier.

It might be easier to choose it in the moment, but it makes life harder in the end.

Why are we so obsessed with that easier path? Why do so many people want to get through life with as minimum of effort as possible? Sure, they might work hard at their jobs in order to earn lots of money. Which is probably the absolute least important thing in this world to be working hard at.

What happened to people working hard at their integrity and character? Do people really think it’s alright to lie, steal, cheat, and hurt other people? Is it more important to have an object of gratification, or to have good character and integrity?

What happened to people working hard at helping others? What happened to people working hard at being kind to others? Do you really think it is alright to live life selfishly? Do you really think you will be happy that way? When was the last time you literally lived your life for someone else? Either short-term or long-term. How did it make you feel?

What happened to people working hard at relationships? Do you really think those are just going to come easy or happen all on their own? Do people still naively believe in the concept of suddenly just “falling in love” with “your soulmate”?

Some people seem to literally lose their minds when they find out the person they are dating has flaws. Or when they find out that they don’t perfectly live up to all sorts of ridiculous ideals.

I’ll tell you right now that I love to walk around barefoot. Sometimes I sing off-key. Sometimes I can be a little hot-headed. And sometimes I can be a little silly. I had one boyfriend drop me because I cared too much. Wait…. What? Sorry for actually trying, dude.

Here’s the thing. The thing that so many people seem to be completely forgetting.

All good things take work. And they take time too.

If you always just try to take the easy path than you are not going to get any of those good things.

And I’m talking about everything with that:

Education, Careers, Talents, Goals, Family, Friends, Relationships, Friendships, Happiness, Knowledge, Beliefs, Self-Control, Perfection in any area, etc.

If you’re not willing to put in the work, don’t expect to get the prize.

Yeah, it’s hard. DUH!!! I get that! What were you expecting? Get over it.

Stop trying to cruise through life on minimum effort. You will not ever be truly happy that way.

*****************'

Just on a final note. Be careful not to hurt those people that care about you. People that will stick with you, always forgive you, and support you through difficult times seem to be few and far between anymore. If you’re getting annoyed because they care too much about you, than maybe you’re not caring enough about them. Only in selfishness could you be upset about someone caring about you. Remember they have their struggles too. Open your eyes a little more. That’s not easy, you say? Than read this article again.

Tara

Dear World,

I am sorry I am so honest, so blunt, and so real. I speak my mind. I always have a bit of sass going on. There is nothing fake about me. Sometimes people can't handle the honest truth. Not about them, but about me. But at least I'm not trying to hide it and pretend like I'm something that I'm not.

I care about people too much. I try too hard. And sometimes I forget what I'm worth because of it.

I am sorry for all the people I've tried to keep in my life. Fortunately, I'm not going to try that anymore. They've made it not worth it. Not in the slightest.

What is it with people putting on those fake smiles and pretending that everything is alright? Obviously it's not. Why don't we talk about it? Why do we keep pretending nothing is wrong? How do you expect the world or your life to change when you're doing that?

Social media talks about everything that is wrong just for the sake of being angry. People in the regular world seem to be adverse to talking about anything that's wrong because they're trying to pretend it's alright.

It's not alright. And I'm not going to pretend. If you don't care about someone, don't say it. If you're not going to be a friend, don't pretend you will. If you hate your life, admit it. Then go and fix it. If someone is treating you wrong, remove them from your life. If you're not happy, don't pretend like you are.

I would much rather be around someone who is honestly grouchy all the time, compared to someone who is sucking up to people or faking a smile just because.

Who in the history of humans decided it was the right and proper thing to be happy all the time? Obviously nobody really is. Life doesn't really allow for that. So they're all pretending to some degree.

Unfortunately this attitude has come back to bite me a few times. Lucky for me though, I don't want a guy who expects me to be smiling all the time and never show any flaws. Unfortunately, there seem to be a lot of people out there who can't handle the fact that nobody's perfect.

I'm generally a happy person anyway. But when I'm sad, upset, or struggling, I'm not going to just pretend otherwise just to try and please you.

I don't do things just to please people. I do things because I know they're right.



Sorry if you can't handle my Realness. But I can't handle anything fake.



#sorryNOTsorry


Sincerely,


Me

My Perfect Spouse

Do you ever just look at your life and think, “Wait a minute…. This isn’t what I wanted.”

I had a moment like that the other day. I think it came with the realization that I am about to turn 24 and graduate from college with my Bachelor’s degree. My whole family is asking me what’s next on my list.

Um…. Get married. Have a family. Build a home together. But those list items aren’t something you can just go and get done like laundry or grocery shopping.

So I will probably go on to get my Master’s degree so I can get a career. But I really don’t want a career. I’m not sure I ever have. I just want a family. But life doesn’t always go as you would like.

I struggle with dating. Not because I’m shy or anything, but because I have struggled lately finding a guy who meets even the first two requirements on my list.

1. To be Real

2. To let me be Real

At least in this area where I am currently living, it seems like these guys think they have to be perfect in order to be able to date and get married. Let’s be honest, it seems like a lot of the girls feel the same way too. Meanwhile I am struggling to be able to handle the stiff, seemingly perfect mannerisms, career goals, life plans, and everything.

They don’t want to show their bad side. They don’t want to seem like they have any flaws. I have seen too many guys trying to act like that, I get really excited now when a guy shows a flaw and doesn’t seem mortified by it. It’s nice when they remember that they’re human and that their life is their choice.

However, that still doesn’t even compare in the slightest with a guy who expects me to be perfect too and to never show any flaws either. Who do they think I am?

For instance, do you remember that new live-action Cinderella movie that came out in 2015? I do. I only watched it once or twice before I was completely disgusted by it though. Why? Because there was a guy I knew who was going to see it a couple times a week for a couple of months AND WAS TAKING NOTES!!!!

Notes!!! And not even notes on how he wanted to be better. But notes on how he wanted his future wife to be.

What in the world?! Good luck living up to those expectations.

But that’s the way so many guys are now. And girls too, let’s be fair. They compare the opposite sex to a fictional character (or even to their amazing grandparents who have lived 60 years longer than any of us) to try and get the absolute perfect spouse.

Well, let me tell you, my absolute perfect spouse is not going to be perfect. They are going to have flaws. They are going to admit them. They are going to be working on them. They are not going to pretend to be anything that they are not. They are going to laugh when things go wrong. They are going to help me when I go wrong. They will not belittle me, or themselves, for being, oh wait, human!!!

No wonder I keep wanting to get out of this place so bad. What has caused culture and society in some of these places to get like this? Where we tear people down and not give them a chance just because they’re not perfect.

Fake people. Fake marriage. Fake life. Fake dreams. Fake happiness.

Real people. Real marriage. Real life. Real dreams. Real happiness.

A Different Dream

Anyone who knew me well at all between 2009-2012 would know I had a really big dream back then. It was a dream that encompassed me on all sides. It filled me up and made me strong. It was all I ever thought about. It was all I ever wanted at the time. I worked for it day and night while still trying to hold down a normal life and work towards what people call a normal future. You know, college, career, etc…

My dream. 
TaeKwonDo. 
Martial Arts. 
Winning Nationals. 
Getting on the National Team. 
Aiming for the Olympics one day. 
What a dream that was!!

What a loss…. What an utter loss when it slipped through my grasp and ran like empty sand through my fingers and washed back away on the oceans of life.

And just like that it was gone. So many circumstances. So many problems. Some confusion. And it was snatched away from me right in front of my eyes, before I even had a chance to get very far. 

When I was training in TaeKwonDo, there was a long period of time when I was training fifteen hours a week at the studio and another ten at home. While working part-time and going to college full-time. Every second I had to give was given. I ran drills, I did my forms, I sparred everyone, including guys a foot taller than me. 

I taught classes, classes, and more classes. Weapons classes. Children’s classes. Self-defense classes. And everything in between.

I received my Blackbelt after three years of intense training. In a good Dojang that is about the shortest it should take you. But I was definitely putting in enough hours and I knew everything I needed to know from top to bottom and I could execute it beautifully. It was one of the best days of my life.

But Nationals. National Team. Olympics. 

It was not to last.

Part of it was the school I was at, and the Instructor I had at the time. While he could teach TaeKwonDo and Martial Arts really well, he was not very well educated on the current systems, standards, and way of sparring of the global TaeKwonDo world at the time. I could take anybody down in a regular sparring match. But the way they did the points and systems in the big league was a little different and I wasn’t doing well. I could beat guys a foot taller than me before, but these electronic chest guards and way of scoring simple points without power was confusing to me. 

And then some crazy things happened, and it was all gone anyway. I had to leave the Dojang, I had to leave the training. Some things forced me away from it, and I never went back. 

Even years later I never really went back and trained in a Dojang again. At least not regularly. I tried again once, but my schedule couldn’t seem to find any time anymore and my spirit was a little broken from some of those “crazy things” that had happened.

It was over. And I wondered why it all happened in the first place. There were very few things in my life that I have felt really strongly inside my spirit that I was meant to do. This was one of them. Even before I started, before I had developed any love for it at all, I knew it was something I was meant to do and that I needed to do. 

For those who have never had a dream like that taken from them, it may be a little hard to understand. It’s like a piece of your heart is ripped from you. For those who think I should have fought harder for it. Well… you don’t know the circumstances. Even those who were there saw only the tip of the iceberg. Believe me, I wanted to fight for it. I did fight for it. Over and over and over again. But the circumstances, the problems, the “crazy things”….. Eventually piled up too high and I was forced away.

I’ve thought long and hard about that dream. I still long for it sometimes. Sometimes I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and think about it. It’s not that I’m still living in and yearning for the past. It’s just that a piece of my heart is living somewhere else and it can’t ever be retrieved again. Your soul feels that, and every once in a while you need to think about it. And remember. Not often. Just every once in a while.

A couple weeks ago I picked up my kicking targets again. But it wasn’t for me. It was for somebody else. About 30 other somebody else’s actually. 30 children in Nepal living in a shelter for abused children. It’s called Raksha Nepal. I was there visiting that shelter on a humanitarian group with a bunch of other people. They learned about my TaeKwonDo skills and my years of teaching TaeKwonDo and Self-Defense classes to women and children and they requested that I do the same with the kids in that shelter. Some of them had some previous training, but they wanted me to do some more with them.

I’ll admit…. When I picked up those targets again, I felt a deep pang of sadness pass through my heart and shiver down my soul. Every hit and kick on those targets seemed to echo, “You could’ve…. You could’ve…. You could’ve….” 

I’ve taught several self-defense classes over the years since my TaeKwonDo days. And I’ve taught several classes to the children in the shelter now. 

I looked, I watched, I wondered, I felt. 
I felt so much. Sadness, pain, wonder, loss.   

And then…. I understood. I understood why the Martial Arts was not just simply a basic interest or hobby of mine. I understood why I had to learn absolutely as much as I could in the few short years that I had it. I understood why I spent so many hours learning how to teach absolutely anybody how to do it. I understood why I faced the challenges I faced and why I had to learn the things I learned.

I understood. Where would I be without it? I wouldn’t have been able to offer that knowledge and teaching to my friends, to my relatives, or to all the kids and communities here in Nepal. 

It wasn’t a loss. It was a gain. It was always a gain. My dream was gone, but there were other dreams. Perhaps a dream to help others grow from it. Even if it was just in the very slightest bit. 

God works in mysterious ways. But one thing I’ve learned, He never takes you down a path without some purpose behind it. And often it's not the one that we thought, but a better one than we could have imagined. 

Tara Howard


Copyright November 2016

A Star in the Night

The first person to really say anything to me when I got to Nepal was the man at the passport desk. He looked at my name printed on there and said, “Tara is a Nepali word.” He didn’t tell me what it meant though, and I forgot to ask.

Tara is a Nepali word that means “Star”.

Tonight I went up on the rooftop to watch the stars coming out. Like I normally do. I enjoy watching sunrises and sunsets. But I like looking at the stars more. Especially when they are first coming out. There’s just something about it.

I sit up there, curled into my blanket, and scan the sky for the very first star. It’s usually one of the planets that you can see first. I make a wish on it anyway.

Then gradually, almost imperceptibly, the rest of the sky starts filling up with little dots of distant light. One by one they fill their little corner with whatever light they can muster, and then they stay there and twinkle quietly at all the other little stars around them.

I love watching the stars. My name fits me perfectly. I just didn’t know it until I came to Nepal.

But my favorite star to see is not that first one. Or even the first hundred usually. It’s when it’s getting near to the end and the sun has almost completely disappeared.

It’s the one that shines through the clouds, mist, and/or smog. In Kathmandu at least, there is always some sort of thick something-or-other along the horizon that makes you feel like you need to rub your eyes to get it out. It’s a little hazy and frustrating because it makes it so you can’t see the Himalayas.

But the stars shine through it. There is one star in particular that is one of my favorites. It’s this small, bright, persistent thing. It just pierces through the dusty cloud without regard at all to its suffocating influence.

As I’m watching the stars coming out, I also take plenty of time to look at the lights of the city gradually coming on all around Kathmandu Valley. Each one representing a house, a family, several hearts, souls, and lives. Each one is a different kind of star in the world.

Some are funny. Some are quiet. Some cook food really well. Some have an unlimited vocabulary. Some have big dreams. Some have big fears. Some talk in their sleep. Some don’t like to wear shoes. Some are allergic to peaches. Some can do handstands. Some are born with six fingers. And on. And on. And on.

They are all amazing. And beautiful. And unique.

But the ones I love the most…. Are the ones that shine through the dust and smog of the world. The ones that fight through all the grime. The ones that refuse to acknowledge that it could possibly have any power over them at all to stop them in the slightest.

The ones that are persistent in shining bright and being good. The beautiful, shining stars in the sometimes dim and tired world.  

Everyone’s light grows bit by bit. It doesn’t need to be anything magnificent right now. It just needs to be there.

And growing.

And becoming.

And persisting.

No Comfort in the Comfort Zone

I did write that title correctly.

I actually can’t remember the last time I felt like I was in my comfort zone. This last year has been an interesting one for me. I spent the first four months in Utah going to BYU. Then I went to Alaska for four months to work as a tour bus driver for the cruise ships. Now I am in Nepal for three months doing humanitarian work. Most of my last month will probably be spent in Idaho with family during the Christmas season.

And that’s just this year. I won’t go back any further. There have definitely been plenty of adventures that the other years have solidly claimed as their own. Needless to say though, I haven’t felt super comfortable for a while now.

And yet…. I have.

You’ve probably heard that saying, “There’s no growth in the comfort zone, and there’s no comfort in the growth zone.”

I’m not sure that’s actually true.

While I have definitely been pushed out of my areas of expertise and knowledge and places that I know very well lately, I can’t exactly say that I have been any more uncomfortable then than I have been during some of my previous times of ease. I think I have actually felt more comfortable during the hard, learning phases even than during those easier times in my life.

You know those times. When everything is going exactly right. When you just go through the days one by one and they basically go as you planned them. And when most things around you stay basically the same day after day after ridiculously boring day.

However, times like that don’t seem to happen very often. We praise the world and life when they do though, and wish they would last longer. But they never do. They’re not supposed to. In truth, for me at least, they are incredibly uncomfortable anyway and I am always glad for the relief of their departure.

Why?

God has said that we are Eternal Beings. Eternal first off in the physical sense; we will never truly die. But it also means Eternal in the God-Like Potential sense. We have infinite potential. There is so much that is still untapped within us that we could harness to do good and to become good. There is way more to all of us than anybody seems to realize. Perhaps we would all be frightened if we could truly understand it even in the slightest sense.

The thing is, we will always be most comfortable when we are being who we truly are. When we’re surrounded by things that are who we are, especially things that are buried deepest inside of us.

Including!!! When we are surrounded by our still mostly unharnessed, unimaginable, Eternal potential.

When someone is uncomfortable in their lives, often they will say something like:

“I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t understand.”

Or “It was different than what I knew.”

Perhaps there is still a small amount of unsurety and unsettled feelings during those difficult, growth phases, I’ll grant you that. But is it truly more uncomfortable than being surrounded by everything that you already know?

Your Soul wants to grow. It wants it so terribly bad. It wants to change and fulfill its purposes and abilities and become everything that it’s supposed to become. Laziness or repetition or constant sameness all the time is completely repulsive to it. There should be growth every day in some shape or form. That’s enough to feed its hungry appetite and allow you to go about doing the things that you still have to do.

Like go to work. Change diapers. Take kids to school. Not to say that you can’t have growth in those areas though. There should be growth in all areas. All areas of your life. All areas of who you are. All areas of the world.

So are you really actually comfortable in that so-called comfort area? Or is your soul longing for something else, but we are just too lazy to try? That Natural Man inside each of us is desperately trying to hold some people forever back at the bottom of the mountains of success and achievement.

As are a lot of the socially accepted phrases and teachings in this world. Maybe you should try questioning a lot more things that are told and taught to you. Question your schooling, question your teachers, question this article. I think it’s true. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you don’t believe a word of it in the slightest. That doesn’t hurt my feelings a bit.

But maybe if you’ll actually learn to question things and the very roots they came from, you may start to learn a thing or two that you never even considered to be possible before. New ideas and thoughts will start to flow into your mind. Connections between seemingly insurmountable things will suddenly become clear. There will flow an energy into your soul that you are taking your life and learning into your own hands.

You will take your mind clear out of its “Comfort Zone” and into the comfort zone where it truly belongs. Where growth can actually occur in boundless multitudes.