Problems of Competition

I am not a competitive person. Usually. I don’t really like feeling like I am pitted against another person. I also don’t like the feeling of “Either me or them.” 

And I’m not talking about competition in sports. I did Martial Arts for several years and I loved it. I still do. I loved competing and I did it a lot. It was a wonderful time of my life that I always look back on with fondness. I wish I could still do it now as much as I did back then, but other things beckon my time and focus.

I am talking about competing in life. Trying to get your degree and/or start your career before everyone else. Fighting others to climb ranks in a company. Fighting to get a higher and higher paycheck than your colleagues.

Always wanting the nicest house, yard, and car of everyone in your neighborhood. Getting the most awards. Being noticed by the most prestigious person. Wanting the best of absolutely everything there is. Not wanting others to have it.

I find all of it a little disturbing.

I will admit that there are definitely times when a certain amount of competition, or push, or force is necessary for life and getting by. That’s fine. That’s different. Just don’t let it change who you are. Don’t let it manipulate or change your mind.

I flee from competition a lot though. Especially when it comes to dating. We’ve all be there. Those times when it starts to become a fight between you and other girls for a certain guy’s attention. I almost always withdraw. I just know that I am really not my best self when I feel like I am fighting or competing against others. There’s no point to it. It does not help. And it just makes things harder.

You can definitely both be going after the same guy without it becoming a fight or a competition. It has to do with how you see it and how you choose to think about it and how you treat the others in it.

Competition turns people into objects in the minds of everyone engaged in it. It turns your competitors into simple barriers to break down or go around. And it turns the person you’re aiming to get into a simple prize. In your mind they are no longer beautiful, wonderful people with feelings and thoughts. Whether you think that implicitly or explicitly you are still training your mind to think that way. You may not think it intentionally, but it is still there and it is still changing your brain.

Stop fighting for people’s attention. Let things happen as they happen. Give it up. Call a truce. There is plenty to go around. Plenty of goodness. Plenty of time. Plenty of people and friends. It’s just hard to see all that when everyone is pushing and fighting against each other all the time.

Everyone has a spot and a path in this life. You only need one. Yours. Stop worrying about whether your path is the best or not, or whether you get everything that you think you want right now, or not.

“The Earth is full,” God said. (D&C 104:17)

I have even seen this problem in people when they are on humanitarian trips. Not always, but a few times. I’ve had lots of different friends do some very different volunteer trips to lots of different places around the world.

Sometimes there’s competition between them while they’re on the trip. Sometimes it happens in the bragging sessions after they get back. And of course, sometimes there’s both together.

It’s always disheartening to talk to friends who are far away, working to do some good in the world, and yet all they can think to do is continuously try to one-up each other on how much good they’re doing. Definitely their hearts are not in the right place, and now they’re just seeing those poor people simply as a means to helping them get noticed by their peers. How completely selfish that is!

A gift given in that way is no gift at all.

Do not let your mind go that way. We are all in danger of it at times. Be aware. Cross yourself.

It’s even worse to listen to them come home and brag about it. While I don’t believe in bragging about where you went and what you did, I do believe in talking about it. What you saw, what you learned, what you did. But do it for the people and not for yourself. Do it with some humility, graciousness, and respect.

Certainly in the end you will gain more than you gave. But not if that is what you are focused on.

What You Learn From Being Sick in Nepal

I've been in Nepal for about two weeks now, and I haven't felt very well for most of it.

To start with, there was some sort of big disagreement between the spicy food and my stomach. There was an open battle and then the silent treatment. They refused to be anywhere near each other. If they did come into contact it was like two toddlers unleashed at each other in all their tiny fury. There were also some nasty side effects. Mostly diarrhea. I also didn't know you could have constipated diarrhea. That's really a thing?

Then today when I got home from shopping I suddenly started feeling like I was going to puke everything up out of my body. I hate throwing up more than almost anything. So I ended up clenching my teeth and laying on my bed for quite a while. I never did throw up, but I do have a bad fever. I'm writing this while I'm still feeling a little loopy.

Different country. Different foods. Different lots of things.

It's honestly amazing how much a person can take for granted. I started a list in my journal last week of everything I've been taking for granted my entire life.

Warm showers was first on the list. Although I have gotten good at taking incredibly fast showers now.
Washing machine and dryer were next. Although you would be really surprised how therapeutic washing your own clothes can be. It's the waiting three days for them to dry that can be hard. #reallyhumidclimatehere
What about air conditioning? Or not always being slightly damp? Or paved roads everywhere?

I've already filled three columns on one page of things I've been taking for granted. Definitely somewhere on the list was having food that my body is used to.

What's all on your list? Or what should be on your list?

Nepal is a wonderful place. You learn a lot from the people here. They are so kind and so helpful.
We've been teaching English in the schools to the children.
We helped paint some classrooms in other school.
We've also helped with some demolition work on a house ruined by an earthquake.
We've worked with Days for Girls.
We've marched in a protest against human trafficking.

There is so much that can be done here and so many different projects we can work on.

There are some big differences between this beautiful, but developing country and the developed country that I am from.

Big, big differences!!!
Like, in Nepal people seem to have a lot bigger emphasis on relationships. There are good and bad people everywhere. You'll find the same thing in Nepal. However, in Nepal it doesn't seem that schoolmates are strangers to each other. Neither are neighbors unknown to you. We say good morning and Namaste to everyone and they always reply.

Even strangers aren't strangers! We went to the Teej festival a while ago and there were big groups of women all dancing together in different roped off areas. I remember watching as everyone danced with everyone! They would grab hands and dance and ask each others' names as they spun around and moved their arms in typical Nepali dancing. The younger girls taught me lots of their dance moves too. In return, they learned my silly, dancing weirdness.
                ***Somewhere out there are some girls that think they are dancing so American, when really.... I'm not sure what I was doing...

They are always willing to help however they can. I am pretty sure I have asked directions to different places from about a million people in this city. And if they can help at all they always will. I never feel brushed off or like I am a pest in the slightest.

And they aren't always sucked into their social media. They don't hide behind walls of glowing computer and phone screens. The kids in high school that we teach give us 100% of their time. Perhaps it would be easier to teach if they were a little less talkative every single minute of the time there. But I sure prefer that than trying to bring them back out of the internet world and into the real world all the time.

Yep! There are a lot of differences between this developing country and my developed country that I am from.

But maybe we could use some development of our own. Maybe in some ways we've gone forward. Maybe in other ways we've gone backward.

And maybe we could use some Nepali help in some of our own developmental needs. Things that they already seem to have figured out.

Like about the importance of people. And relationships.

And life.

Why so Serious?

I am the more serious type. I’ve realized that a lot about myself lately. Especially when I am initially in new situations or environments.

I wouldn't really call it serious though. I would just call it more thoughtful.

I like watching people and things. I like to see what’s going on and how the world is going around. I like to put things together, I like to find connections, and I like to get answers and solve problems.

But that doesn't mean I'm serious all the time. I honestly love having fun. I love it to an absolute extreme degree. Serious people often know how to have the best fun. It’s not something that I focus on in every aspect of my life, but it is something I try to put into every area of my life on a very regular basis. Rarely am I the silly type though. Silly and serious don’t usually go together. Sometimes I’m goofy, and that’s okay. I can be really goofy sometimes. But rarely ever am I silly. I enjoy clever wit and good humor.

I also don’t believe in begging for attention. Attention is not always bad, nor is it always good. People that beg for attention rarely ever get the good kind though. What do I mean by begging for attention? Here are a couple examples:

Doing things you wouldn’t normally do in order to get noticed.

Or putting others down or making them look stupid in order to get a laugh from other people.

Or even wearing certain clothing or acting in certain ways that are sure to bring undesirable looks or actions from people in return.

Basically trying to force people to notice you and what you’re doing. A good life lesson for almost anything is that if you’re trying too hard to force it, it’s probably not worth it or meant to be.

Working at it is different than forcing it though. Way different.

Working at being friends vs. trying to force it.

Working at winning vs. trying to force it.

Working at a relationship vs. trying to force it.

So many things just have to grow naturally, along with a lot of help and work from you.

But if you ever find yourself not being yourself, you might really want to take some time to reevaluate. If you have to be someone different to try and catch a guy or girl than you might want to realize that it’s not really you that they would be falling in love with.

If you are acting different to try and get people to see you than you will need to understand that it’s not you that they are seeing. Rather, it’s your odd behavior.

They’ll know when it’s really you, and they’ll know when it’s not. Maybe not right this moment, but eventually. And then you’ll have a lot of explaining to do. Mostly to yourself, about why you are not accepting yourself for who you are.

Work to improve who you are rather than just trying to pretend to be something you’re not.

And ultimately, please realize that what you may think will catch that guy/girl or get people’s attention on you probably is just something that society has dreamed up. Like being overly giddy, or perfectly anything, or always funny. Those may seem good, but…

Some of the best fishing lures here will always, ALWAYS be: genuineness, honesty, and a constant stride for improvement.

That’s it. It’s that simple. Just be yourself. Not who you think you should be, or trying to copy what others are.

And if they’re not interested in you after that, well…. Don’t force it.

It’s not worth it, and that’s okay. There are always still a million more.

Tara Howard

Copyright Sep. 2016

Where’s Your Focus?

A couple months ago I decided to sign up for a trip to Nepal. I left on August 26^th and I have been here ever since. It is a humanitarian trip. We are currently working on many projects to help the lives and people of Nepal.

August 26^th has a lot of special meaning to me now. In 2014, it was the day I finished my 18-month church mission in Houston, Texas. And now in 2016, it is the day that I left for a 3-month humanitarian trip to Nepal. I was sitting in the Hong Kong airport a week ago, on my way to Nepal, thinking about and comparing these two very different trips I will have taken in my life.

Both types of missions are very difficult in their own particular ways. Definitely they are both meant to stretch and strengthen you mentally and emotionally. Sometimes physically.

**Every day in Nepal we get to climb a half mile up a hill. And in Texas we would ride bikes all day sometimes.

While I was on my mission in Texas it became very clear that a lot of the missionaries were there for some very different reasons. Some of them came because they thought it would be a good learning experience for them. Some of them came to “find themselves”. Some of them were there because they wanted to help others. And then there were a few that came because they “thought it would be fun.”

Let’s be clear on this. Missions are not meant to be fun. They are designed to be hard. They are meant to stretch you, to grow you, and to teach you. If you are looking for a good time, there are a million and one other ways to find that. Of course the missions can still be really fun if you decide to have them be. But if your complete focus is just on having fun than you are going to be sorely disappointed and you will accomplish nothing.

And that goes for anything in life! If you are going to your job every day hoping to just have fun, well good luck! Or raising children. Or going to college. Or learning a new skill. Fun can be found every day in life and in every area, but it is not our focus. It is an extra that you choose to add in.

******************’

I also want to compare one other thing in your focus on life. With those missions, you will notice that there were some people focused on what the mission could bring to them (what they could learn, or "finding themselves"), while others were focused on what they could bring to the mission. Wasn’t it John F. Kennedy who said, “ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country”?

Well that is a total life principle! Are you going through life looking for what it can bring to you? Are you coming on a mission looking to see what you can gain?

That’s the best way to gain absolutely nothing. It may seem little, but it makes the hugest difference. 

In order to find yourself, you've got to lose yourself first. In order to help yourself, you've got to help others. And in order to learn, you've got to teach.

Are you looking at all the people around you and wondering about their lives? Or are you looking at them and just seeing how they fit into yours? Are they a passerby on the street? Or are they a real person to you with real emotions and difficulties?

Focusing on what you can gain from these missions and other learning experiences in life can be a bit of a good thing, but only just a tiny bit. It is certainly not the best thing. When you’re focused inward, even in that way, it becomes very difficult to see past the end of your nose into the lives of the people around you. Even though I know you have the best intentions in wanting to better yourself.

Think about bettering the lives of others instead. “Forget yourself and go to work” said Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

In that way, you will gain so much more. But you won’t really realize it until you start looking back because you’re so focused on what the others around you are gaining in their own journeys. 

So figure out why you are where you are in your life.

Figure out where you’re going and why.

And then figure out if your focus and goals are really in that direction.

If it’s pointed inward at all than it is the wrong direction.

Tara Howard

Copyright September 2016