Where’s Your Focus?

A couple months ago I decided to sign up for a trip to Nepal. I left on August 26^th and I have been here ever since. It is a humanitarian trip. We are currently working on many projects to help the lives and people of Nepal.

August 26^th has a lot of special meaning to me now. In 2014, it was the day I finished my 18-month church mission in Houston, Texas. And now in 2016, it is the day that I left for a 3-month humanitarian trip to Nepal. I was sitting in the Hong Kong airport a week ago, on my way to Nepal, thinking about and comparing these two very different trips I will have taken in my life.

Both types of missions are very difficult in their own particular ways. Definitely they are both meant to stretch and strengthen you mentally and emotionally. Sometimes physically.

**Every day in Nepal we get to climb a half mile up a hill. And in Texas we would ride bikes all day sometimes.

While I was on my mission in Texas it became very clear that a lot of the missionaries were there for some very different reasons. Some of them came because they thought it would be a good learning experience for them. Some of them came to “find themselves”. Some of them were there because they wanted to help others. And then there were a few that came because they “thought it would be fun.”

Let’s be clear on this. Missions are not meant to be fun. They are designed to be hard. They are meant to stretch you, to grow you, and to teach you. If you are looking for a good time, there are a million and one other ways to find that. Of course the missions can still be really fun if you decide to have them be. But if your complete focus is just on having fun than you are going to be sorely disappointed and you will accomplish nothing.

And that goes for anything in life! If you are going to your job every day hoping to just have fun, well good luck! Or raising children. Or going to college. Or learning a new skill. Fun can be found every day in life and in every area, but it is not our focus. It is an extra that you choose to add in.

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I also want to compare one other thing in your focus on life. With those missions, you will notice that there were some people focused on what the mission could bring to them (what they could learn, or "finding themselves"), while others were focused on what they could bring to the mission. Wasn’t it John F. Kennedy who said, “ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country”?

Well that is a total life principle! Are you going through life looking for what it can bring to you? Are you coming on a mission looking to see what you can gain?

That’s the best way to gain absolutely nothing. It may seem little, but it makes the hugest difference. 

In order to find yourself, you've got to lose yourself first. In order to help yourself, you've got to help others. And in order to learn, you've got to teach.

Are you looking at all the people around you and wondering about their lives? Or are you looking at them and just seeing how they fit into yours? Are they a passerby on the street? Or are they a real person to you with real emotions and difficulties?

Focusing on what you can gain from these missions and other learning experiences in life can be a bit of a good thing, but only just a tiny bit. It is certainly not the best thing. When you’re focused inward, even in that way, it becomes very difficult to see past the end of your nose into the lives of the people around you. Even though I know you have the best intentions in wanting to better yourself.

Think about bettering the lives of others instead. “Forget yourself and go to work” said Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

In that way, you will gain so much more. But you won’t really realize it until you start looking back because you’re so focused on what the others around you are gaining in their own journeys. 

So figure out why you are where you are in your life.

Figure out where you’re going and why.

And then figure out if your focus and goals are really in that direction.

If it’s pointed inward at all than it is the wrong direction.

Tara Howard

Copyright September 2016

It's Okay to Not Be Okay Sometimes

I really feel like I am at a good place in my life right now. I know God wanted me to be in Juneau, Alaska for some reason. I have been learning a lot of things, meeting a lot of new people, and making a lot of new friends. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that it is good and I know it is what God wants. So I am confident in it and I am grateful.

But of course, life hasn't always been easy. It's not designed to be. Life is designed to be difficult. It is meant to stretch us, to test us, and to make us grow.

Despite all those challenges that we are all facing, sometimes people still think that we are still supposed to be perfectly happy all the time.  It's almost as if they think we should never show, or even have, any other emotion besides happiness, even as we take on the most challenging things we possibly could. I'm not entirely sure where that idea even came from. And it's ridiculous.

Why? Well first off, God has the full range of emotions, and so do we. He also expresses His full range of emotions regularly. The difference in this between Him and us is that He holds and expresses all His emotions in perfectly healthy ways. He does not bottle them up, deny them, or destroy them. That would be like destroying a part of who He is. He cannot and should not and never would do that.

The same goes with us. When we try to bottle up, deny, or destroy all our emotions besides happiness, that is like trying to destroy a part of our divine and God-potential spirits and bodies. Why would we do that? And why would anyone think that is okay to any degree? Controlling and expressing them healthily is completely different than trying to just push them down into the depths of nothingness.

Happiness is the ultimate goal. But it is not the whole pathway to it.

Simply put, it is okay to not to be okay sometimes. It is okay to be hurting. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to feel anger, just don't lash back out at people because of it. It's okay to cry, to retreat for a while, and to take time to heal. It makes you stronger in the end. It teaches you valuable lessons. It makes you more empathetic.

It makes you more like God.

When you deny your emotions or try and bottle them up, it makes it practically impossible to really deal with them properly. You cannot move forward. You cannot grow upward.

Allow yourself to feel bad, allow yourself to hurt. Allow yourself to feel sadness or anger or envy or happiness. Then figure out why you are feeling that way and then decide what you are going to do and where you are going to go from there. It takes some serious introspection sometimes. That can be really difficult, or even rather painful or awkward. The more you do it though the easier it will get and the better you will get at it. That's when the real growth can start to occur.

But it all starts with just being okay with not being okay sometimes. Not trying to hide it, not trying to fake it, and not trying to destroy it.

The other thing is that we all need to be a lot better at being okay with other people not being okay sometimes. We need to be better at allowing people to be sad, hurt, angry, or anything else without judging them. We do that way too much. Don't try and expect others to just be happy all the time. That is pure and simply ridiculous and childish. Let people be people, and let them have the opportunity to grow and learn.

Let them have the opportunity to feel.


Tara


Copyright May 2016

A whole mess of thoughts

I speak my mind way too often. Is there such a thing? Probably. But the topic that has been on my mind most of all lately has been the fact that I have definitely been born in the wrong decade. Maybe the wrong century.

I hear stories about the older days when kids respected their elders, when teens and youth were expected to work hard, and when everyone had a certain degree of common courtesy and respect. As well as a healthy dose of good manners. Those were the days when that was the way things were and it just seemed to be common sense. 

I long for those days.

Those days when people returned phone calls, even if they were difficult. When men wouldn't cuss in front of the womenfolk, or really at all. When people would give up the front seats for the elders or the ladies. When children said sir and ma'am, and when boys would help ladies across the street.

What happened? Why aren't parents teaching their kids these things anymore? And for the kids that are being taught it, why are they not holding onto it?

This lack of courtesy and manners seems to stem so much from a root of selfishness that seems to have crept very slowly into our society. Everyone wants to be able to do what they want to do, without any regard to the thoughts or feelings of other people. Life doesn’t seem to be about other people anymore. It all seems to about the self, and everything that the self wants.

People used to sit on their front porches with each other and talk about all sorts of things. Light-hearted as well as deep. They really knew how to talk. And everyone had a thought to share! And everyone had an opinion. And it was an opinion that they'd actually thought about and spent time on. And they could all respect each other in their thoughts and opinions and everyone wanted to share. And they would ask. And it was fine.

Now it all seems to be just about the me-game. What can I get for me? Who do I have to pull down so I can be higher up? It doesn't matter what people think about what I do, because it's me.

Nope. Nope. Nope nopety nope.

When did we all turn so inward? Why did we think that would make us happy? Since when did being wrapped up in ourselves ever make a good presence? Who cares about people who don't care about others? Nobody. We don't like being around them. And yet to some degree or another, we all act that way in different things. But most especially in our manners and courtesy. Or in the lack thereof.

We don't think about others as much. We don't think about getting to know them as much. People get weirded out when you start asking a lot of questions. 

I heard a story from a friend the other day. She went to visit a particular college campus where a friend lived one time. She said that when they pulled in, a whole bunch of guys basically swarmed their car asking if they could help them carry their stuff in. Just asking questions to get to know them. She said that, "It was like they were just sitting there waiting for someone to come along that they could help." What a great world that is! 

Guys offering to carry the packages for the ladies. Girls taking the guy’s arm as they walk.

Both of them using clean language around each other. What a sign of respect that is!

Opening the doors for the elderly and the ladies. Letting a mother and children move up in line.

Chewing with your mouth closed and offering help cleaning up after dinner.

Taking blame for your actions and working to fix them.

Being honest in all dealings and interactions with others.

Listening, and not interrupting.

You can speak your mind. Just learn to say it politely and without contempt. Also, taking criticism constructively and without anger. Everyone can use some improvement. Be grateful to those who want to help.

All is not lost. Many people still do many of these things. Heroes in a struggling society.

Could we have a strong return back to it all? 

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."    ~C.S. Lewis

A Question of Questions

"It you don't ask questions than people will ask them for you. Or rather, if you don't ask the questions of others, they will ask the questions of you."

I've never really been one to just go along with everything that others say and do, or have said and done. I like to ask questions. I like to push boundaries. I like to push and prod and poke at any place I sense could hold a flaw or a weak spot.

This doesn't mean that I like to destroy things. Don't get that false impression from me. It just means that I like to see where things go. I like to see how things happen. I like to see what holds and what doesn't as I push against it. I push against a lot of things. That's what makes them strong. I like to be certain and sure of things.

That's what has made my testimony of Jesus Christ so strong. That is one thing I am totally sure about.

When I push against things, or when I want to become sure about something, I am the kind of person that needs evidence. This doesn't mean that I need physical evidence. I have had more evidence of the existence and divinity of Jesus Christ than anything else in my life, and most of it was not physical. Yet it still has all been just as strong, if not stronger.

There seem to be some people in this world who have just followed in the same paths as the people before them simply because, "That's just how it's done." This could include any types of pathways in this world, including relational, educational, religious, or emotional pathways. That idea also includes a lack in any area. Such as deciding not to get an education, not believing in God, or avoiding relationships altogether.

Perhaps they're not following all that with those thoughts so explicitly in their minds ("That's just how it's done."), but if it's not in their minds it still definitely seems to be very implicit.

They don't question things much, if at all. They definitely don't question it enough. "Why do they believe that? Or why do you do that?"
"Well, because others were."

Do you really think that is going to hold when you stand before God? Or when you stand before anyone, for that matter? If you don't actually believe (or not believe) it for yourself, than why are you still walking on that path? Why don't you look around for a minute and think about your surroundings and what you're walking on?

Sometimes people think it's wrong to question good things. Some seemingly good things can be wrong though. And you'll never know until you ask. You'll never know if something you're doing is really good until you ask either.

When you ask, when you push, when you prod, or when you poke, it begins to help you put a sharp sword between the good and the bad, the right and the wrong. Your life takes on a lot more meaning and clarity. You become better able to move forward and change and grow. You're taking your life into your own hands!!

And yet people look at me as I push against things and they think that's so wrong. They think I should not questions things that others have already determined to be right and good. But I have not yet determined for myself that those things are right and good, and I do not want those things in my life to be left in the hands of others. I want them squarely in my own.

Some people also think that I will just be forever skeptical and that I will never find evidence for or satisfaction in anything. But that's not true at all! I have found a lot of proof and evidence in so many ways. And what I have found, and have seen, and have learned for myself I can now hold onto with all of my might!

Because I can. Because I know it for myself now. If I didn't know it for myself, than I couldn't.

This also doesn't mean that I need to try everything to know for myself either. Such as drugs or alcohol or theft or anything else like that. There are other ways you can learn for yourself that there are some things that are just not healthy for you or your life.

Every time I find something to be solid, I am then able to climb higher. It is a stair step. We push and push against the wall, and it holds. So we look up and realize it is a stair step, not a wall. And we are able to climb higher.

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*Clarifying note. At some point since writing this I had two different friends ask me within two days why I ask so many questions of them. It is a little different when I am asking questions of people vs. when I am asking questions of life.

When it comes to people, I just love learning about them. I love understanding their thoughts, their lives, their dreams, their hopes, and their struggles. We're all facing this craziness called Life and everyone is coming through it in some absolutely amazing and different ways. It just blows my mind every time I hear another story from a friend, a loved one, or even a stranger.

Understand that I mean no harm, but there are amazing things about every person. And I love finding the gems inside each individual as they share their incredible thoughts and feelings buried inside their heart and mind. Perhaps they don't teach me things explicitly, but just watching life play out from their point of view as they bare just a piece of their heart is always an absolutely incredible experience to me.


Tara


Copyright April 2016

Where Your Friends Are

I would say it's not really in the good times or the bad times that you find out who your true friends are.

It's in the times in between. When you are fighting your way out of the bad times and into the good. It's in the times when you stop putting up with crap from people. When you stop letting people walk all over you. And when you stop watching injustices walk by and actually start doing something about it all.

It's when you get a backbone and actually start standing up for yourself.

That's when you find out which people were there just for what they wanted. And which people were actually there for who you are, whether or not you've fully gotten to it yet.

A true friend is not someone who puts up with your crap or who gives you crap back. It's someone who will wade through all the crap with you, and who also has the guts enough to tell you to stop throwing it around yourself when you do it yourself. :)

Who am I?

Who am I to ask of Thee,

Oh Greatest God of everything.

You made the heavens, sea, and land,

By single words of Your command.

You made the sun, the birds that sing,

You made the moon, and Saturn's rings.

You made the leaves on every tree,

So who am I to ask of Thee?

Who am I to ask of Thee?

For help in times of tragedy,

For strength when I can give no more,

Or helping hands outside my door.

Who am I to ask of Thee?

To calm the raging, white-capped sea?

To comfort me when in despair?

Who am I to think You care?

I've asked for home, and food to bless,

I've asked for more when I've had less.

I've asked for miracles left and right,

And simply safety in the night.

I've asked for work, and money too,

I've asked to see someone I knew.

I've asked for guidance every day,

Spinning around; which way, which way?

I've even asked for healing, Lord.

To take away the painful sword,

That pierces me by night and day.

Oh why can't Thou take it away?

But who am I to ask of Thee?

You know the best and worst of me.

But then I know that it is true,

You want me to become like You.

There's something more inside of me,

A piece of Your divinity.

Something planted, and You know,

Into the parent, the child grows.

You will not give me everything,

You will not always calm the sea.

But I believe You'll give what's asked,

Or something even more than that.

So calm our fears, and hush our sobs, 

We're children of the Greatest God.

And it won't be long before we see,

Just why You give us tragedy.

So this is why I ask of Thee,

I'm a child of Eternity.

You will give what I seek, or more,

Because You always have before.

Tara J. Howard

Copyright July 2015

What's Important

This world is crazy, so many changes.

Everywhere you look there are buildings and cages,

Places for work, and places to play,

But all I really want is somewhere I can pray.

They're rushing around, doing this, doing that,

Trying to save their lives from falling flat.

Looking to the future with great trepidation,

While all that I want is some quiet meditation.

They want to be famous, or wealthy at least.

They want everyday to be a great feast.

They want to be noticed, to be watched, to be seen,

But all that I want is for God to know me.

I don't understand the people of this world,

They're running around for the gold of the Earth.

They work for the things that don't matter at all,

While forgetting the Lord and His beckoning call.

Our things of the world will leave us when we die.

Only God's kingdom will last through all time. 

If you gain all possessions and still neglect God's work

How much is your life even really worth?

Before the throne of God we will be stripped down,

All useless things shall all be cast out.

What will be left then, just nakedness and shame?

A spirit of guilt or a feeling of blame?

What all goes with us still when we die,

As we travel into our immortal life?

Only our families, and the faith we have gained,

The things that we learned and the good we became.

Seek not for treasures that rust does destroy.

Seek instead for courage, and hope, and true joy.

Seek to serve others, and seek to be kind.

Seek to have self-control over your mind.

Spend time with your family, spend time learning truth,

Spend time cultivating the talents in you.

Know what's important and what's really not.

Above all, Remember to spend time with God.

Tara J. Howard

Copyright March 2015