My Perfect Spouse

Do you ever just look at your life and think, “Wait a minute…. This isn’t what I wanted.”

I had a moment like that the other day. I think it came with the realization that I am about to turn 24 and graduate from college with my Bachelor’s degree. My whole family is asking me what’s next on my list.

Um…. Get married. Have a family. Build a home together. But those list items aren’t something you can just go and get done like laundry or grocery shopping.

So I will probably go on to get my Master’s degree so I can get a career. But I really don’t want a career. I’m not sure I ever have. I just want a family. But life doesn’t always go as you would like.

I struggle with dating. Not because I’m shy or anything, but because I have struggled lately finding a guy who meets even the first two requirements on my list.

1. To be Real

2. To let me be Real

At least in this area where I am currently living, it seems like these guys think they have to be perfect in order to be able to date and get married. Let’s be honest, it seems like a lot of the girls feel the same way too. Meanwhile I am struggling to be able to handle the stiff, seemingly perfect mannerisms, career goals, life plans, and everything.

They don’t want to show their bad side. They don’t want to seem like they have any flaws. I have seen too many guys trying to act like that, I get really excited now when a guy shows a flaw and doesn’t seem mortified by it. It’s nice when they remember that they’re human and that their life is their choice.

However, that still doesn’t even compare in the slightest with a guy who expects me to be perfect too and to never show any flaws either. Who do they think I am?

For instance, do you remember that new live-action Cinderella movie that came out in 2015? I do. I only watched it once or twice before I was completely disgusted by it though. Why? Because there was a guy I knew who was going to see it a couple times a week for a couple of months AND WAS TAKING NOTES!!!!

Notes!!! And not even notes on how he wanted to be better. But notes on how he wanted his future wife to be.

What in the world?! Good luck living up to those expectations.

But that’s the way so many guys are now. And girls too, let’s be fair. They compare the opposite sex to a fictional character (or even to their amazing grandparents who have lived 60 years longer than any of us) to try and get the absolute perfect spouse.

Well, let me tell you, my absolute perfect spouse is not going to be perfect. They are going to have flaws. They are going to admit them. They are going to be working on them. They are not going to pretend to be anything that they are not. They are going to laugh when things go wrong. They are going to help me when I go wrong. They will not belittle me, or themselves, for being, oh wait, human!!!

No wonder I keep wanting to get out of this place so bad. What has caused culture and society in some of these places to get like this? Where we tear people down and not give them a chance just because they’re not perfect.

Fake people. Fake marriage. Fake life. Fake dreams. Fake happiness.

Real people. Real marriage. Real life. Real dreams. Real happiness.

A Different Dream

Anyone who knew me well at all between 2009-2012 would know I had a really big dream back then. It was a dream that encompassed me on all sides. It filled me up and made me strong. It was all I ever thought about. It was all I ever wanted at the time. I worked for it day and night while still trying to hold down a normal life and work towards what people call a normal future. You know, college, career, etc…

My dream. 
TaeKwonDo. 
Martial Arts. 
Winning Nationals. 
Getting on the National Team. 
Aiming for the Olympics one day. 
What a dream that was!!

What a loss…. What an utter loss when it slipped through my grasp and ran like empty sand through my fingers and washed back away on the oceans of life.

And just like that it was gone. So many circumstances. So many problems. Some confusion. And it was snatched away from me right in front of my eyes, before I even had a chance to get very far. 

When I was training in TaeKwonDo, there was a long period of time when I was training fifteen hours a week at the studio and another ten at home. While working part-time and going to college full-time. Every second I had to give was given. I ran drills, I did my forms, I sparred everyone, including guys a foot taller than me. 

I taught classes, classes, and more classes. Weapons classes. Children’s classes. Self-defense classes. And everything in between.

I received my Blackbelt after three years of intense training. In a good Dojang that is about the shortest it should take you. But I was definitely putting in enough hours and I knew everything I needed to know from top to bottom and I could execute it beautifully. It was one of the best days of my life.

But Nationals. National Team. Olympics. 

It was not to last.

Part of it was the school I was at, and the Instructor I had at the time. While he could teach TaeKwonDo and Martial Arts really well, he was not very well educated on the current systems, standards, and way of sparring of the global TaeKwonDo world at the time. I could take anybody down in a regular sparring match. But the way they did the points and systems in the big league was a little different and I wasn’t doing well. I could beat guys a foot taller than me before, but these electronic chest guards and way of scoring simple points without power was confusing to me. 

And then some crazy things happened, and it was all gone anyway. I had to leave the Dojang, I had to leave the training. Some things forced me away from it, and I never went back. 

Even years later I never really went back and trained in a Dojang again. At least not regularly. I tried again once, but my schedule couldn’t seem to find any time anymore and my spirit was a little broken from some of those “crazy things” that had happened.

It was over. And I wondered why it all happened in the first place. There were very few things in my life that I have felt really strongly inside my spirit that I was meant to do. This was one of them. Even before I started, before I had developed any love for it at all, I knew it was something I was meant to do and that I needed to do. 

For those who have never had a dream like that taken from them, it may be a little hard to understand. It’s like a piece of your heart is ripped from you. For those who think I should have fought harder for it. Well… you don’t know the circumstances. Even those who were there saw only the tip of the iceberg. Believe me, I wanted to fight for it. I did fight for it. Over and over and over again. But the circumstances, the problems, the “crazy things”….. Eventually piled up too high and I was forced away.

I’ve thought long and hard about that dream. I still long for it sometimes. Sometimes I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and think about it. It’s not that I’m still living in and yearning for the past. It’s just that a piece of my heart is living somewhere else and it can’t ever be retrieved again. Your soul feels that, and every once in a while you need to think about it. And remember. Not often. Just every once in a while.

A couple weeks ago I picked up my kicking targets again. But it wasn’t for me. It was for somebody else. About 30 other somebody else’s actually. 30 children in Nepal living in a shelter for abused children. It’s called Raksha Nepal. I was there visiting that shelter on a humanitarian group with a bunch of other people. They learned about my TaeKwonDo skills and my years of teaching TaeKwonDo and Self-Defense classes to women and children and they requested that I do the same with the kids in that shelter. Some of them had some previous training, but they wanted me to do some more with them.

I’ll admit…. When I picked up those targets again, I felt a deep pang of sadness pass through my heart and shiver down my soul. Every hit and kick on those targets seemed to echo, “You could’ve…. You could’ve…. You could’ve….” 

I’ve taught several self-defense classes over the years since my TaeKwonDo days. And I’ve taught several classes to the children in the shelter now. 

I looked, I watched, I wondered, I felt. 
I felt so much. Sadness, pain, wonder, loss.   

And then…. I understood. I understood why the Martial Arts was not just simply a basic interest or hobby of mine. I understood why I had to learn absolutely as much as I could in the few short years that I had it. I understood why I spent so many hours learning how to teach absolutely anybody how to do it. I understood why I faced the challenges I faced and why I had to learn the things I learned.

I understood. Where would I be without it? I wouldn’t have been able to offer that knowledge and teaching to my friends, to my relatives, or to all the kids and communities here in Nepal. 

It wasn’t a loss. It was a gain. It was always a gain. My dream was gone, but there were other dreams. Perhaps a dream to help others grow from it. Even if it was just in the very slightest bit. 

God works in mysterious ways. But one thing I’ve learned, He never takes you down a path without some purpose behind it. And often it's not the one that we thought, but a better one than we could have imagined. 

Tara Howard


Copyright November 2016

A Star in the Night

The first person to really say anything to me when I got to Nepal was the man at the passport desk. He looked at my name printed on there and said, “Tara is a Nepali word.” He didn’t tell me what it meant though, and I forgot to ask.

Tara is a Nepali word that means “Star”.

Tonight I went up on the rooftop to watch the stars coming out. Like I normally do. I enjoy watching sunrises and sunsets. But I like looking at the stars more. Especially when they are first coming out. There’s just something about it.

I sit up there, curled into my blanket, and scan the sky for the very first star. It’s usually one of the planets that you can see first. I make a wish on it anyway.

Then gradually, almost imperceptibly, the rest of the sky starts filling up with little dots of distant light. One by one they fill their little corner with whatever light they can muster, and then they stay there and twinkle quietly at all the other little stars around them.

I love watching the stars. My name fits me perfectly. I just didn’t know it until I came to Nepal.

But my favorite star to see is not that first one. Or even the first hundred usually. It’s when it’s getting near to the end and the sun has almost completely disappeared.

It’s the one that shines through the clouds, mist, and/or smog. In Kathmandu at least, there is always some sort of thick something-or-other along the horizon that makes you feel like you need to rub your eyes to get it out. It’s a little hazy and frustrating because it makes it so you can’t see the Himalayas.

But the stars shine through it. There is one star in particular that is one of my favorites. It’s this small, bright, persistent thing. It just pierces through the dusty cloud without regard at all to its suffocating influence.

As I’m watching the stars coming out, I also take plenty of time to look at the lights of the city gradually coming on all around Kathmandu Valley. Each one representing a house, a family, several hearts, souls, and lives. Each one is a different kind of star in the world.

Some are funny. Some are quiet. Some cook food really well. Some have an unlimited vocabulary. Some have big dreams. Some have big fears. Some talk in their sleep. Some don’t like to wear shoes. Some are allergic to peaches. Some can do handstands. Some are born with six fingers. And on. And on. And on.

They are all amazing. And beautiful. And unique.

But the ones I love the most…. Are the ones that shine through the dust and smog of the world. The ones that fight through all the grime. The ones that refuse to acknowledge that it could possibly have any power over them at all to stop them in the slightest.

The ones that are persistent in shining bright and being good. The beautiful, shining stars in the sometimes dim and tired world.  

Everyone’s light grows bit by bit. It doesn’t need to be anything magnificent right now. It just needs to be there.

And growing.

And becoming.

And persisting.

No Comfort in the Comfort Zone

I did write that title correctly.

I actually can’t remember the last time I felt like I was in my comfort zone. This last year has been an interesting one for me. I spent the first four months in Utah going to BYU. Then I went to Alaska for four months to work as a tour bus driver for the cruise ships. Now I am in Nepal for three months doing humanitarian work. Most of my last month will probably be spent in Idaho with family during the Christmas season.

And that’s just this year. I won’t go back any further. There have definitely been plenty of adventures that the other years have solidly claimed as their own. Needless to say though, I haven’t felt super comfortable for a while now.

And yet…. I have.

You’ve probably heard that saying, “There’s no growth in the comfort zone, and there’s no comfort in the growth zone.”

I’m not sure that’s actually true.

While I have definitely been pushed out of my areas of expertise and knowledge and places that I know very well lately, I can’t exactly say that I have been any more uncomfortable then than I have been during some of my previous times of ease. I think I have actually felt more comfortable during the hard, learning phases even than during those easier times in my life.

You know those times. When everything is going exactly right. When you just go through the days one by one and they basically go as you planned them. And when most things around you stay basically the same day after day after ridiculously boring day.

However, times like that don’t seem to happen very often. We praise the world and life when they do though, and wish they would last longer. But they never do. They’re not supposed to. In truth, for me at least, they are incredibly uncomfortable anyway and I am always glad for the relief of their departure.

Why?

God has said that we are Eternal Beings. Eternal first off in the physical sense; we will never truly die. But it also means Eternal in the God-Like Potential sense. We have infinite potential. There is so much that is still untapped within us that we could harness to do good and to become good. There is way more to all of us than anybody seems to realize. Perhaps we would all be frightened if we could truly understand it even in the slightest sense.

The thing is, we will always be most comfortable when we are being who we truly are. When we’re surrounded by things that are who we are, especially things that are buried deepest inside of us.

Including!!! When we are surrounded by our still mostly unharnessed, unimaginable, Eternal potential.

When someone is uncomfortable in their lives, often they will say something like:

“I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t understand.”

Or “It was different than what I knew.”

Perhaps there is still a small amount of unsurety and unsettled feelings during those difficult, growth phases, I’ll grant you that. But is it truly more uncomfortable than being surrounded by everything that you already know?

Your Soul wants to grow. It wants it so terribly bad. It wants to change and fulfill its purposes and abilities and become everything that it’s supposed to become. Laziness or repetition or constant sameness all the time is completely repulsive to it. There should be growth every day in some shape or form. That’s enough to feed its hungry appetite and allow you to go about doing the things that you still have to do.

Like go to work. Change diapers. Take kids to school. Not to say that you can’t have growth in those areas though. There should be growth in all areas. All areas of your life. All areas of who you are. All areas of the world.

So are you really actually comfortable in that so-called comfort area? Or is your soul longing for something else, but we are just too lazy to try? That Natural Man inside each of us is desperately trying to hold some people forever back at the bottom of the mountains of success and achievement.

As are a lot of the socially accepted phrases and teachings in this world. Maybe you should try questioning a lot more things that are told and taught to you. Question your schooling, question your teachers, question this article. I think it’s true. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you don’t believe a word of it in the slightest. That doesn’t hurt my feelings a bit.

But maybe if you’ll actually learn to question things and the very roots they came from, you may start to learn a thing or two that you never even considered to be possible before. New ideas and thoughts will start to flow into your mind. Connections between seemingly insurmountable things will suddenly become clear. There will flow an energy into your soul that you are taking your life and learning into your own hands.

You will take your mind clear out of its “Comfort Zone” and into the comfort zone where it truly belongs. Where growth can actually occur in boundless multitudes.

Well, We Tried

Last week when we were at the Cerebral Palsy Daycare the lady in charge asked us if there was an art that we could teach them the next time we came. She told us that they have done finger painting before and they were wanting to learn something else. After her mentioning finger painting, the first type of art that came to my mind was Paper Mache.

Why? I don’t know. I guess I associate both finger painting and Paper Mache with my childhood. I’ve got some fond memories with both of those.

So that’s what I said.

So today we showed up with our bag of flour and they brought balloons and newspaper. They tore the newspaper into strips while I mixed the flour with water to make a pancake-batter-ish consistency. Then we presented it all to the kids and showed them how to do it.

3 minutes later….

Two of the kids thought that the Paper Mache mix was food and had it all over their faces. One of them was busy smearing it all over the table. Another one was trying to eat the newspaper. We had Paper flour-water mixture on our clothes and the floor. Two of the balloons had popped and scared one of the girls. She was crying and couldn’t be consoled.

And we were just standing there staring at it all.

What was my thought in the very moment looking at the disaster that my hopeful fun idea had caused?

“Well, we tried.”

And then we laughed it off and cleaned it all up. One of the kids was still busy stuffing a fistful of the liquidy substance into their mouth.

Two of us still made some of the Paper Mache on the balloons. We made one for each kid and set them out to dry. Maybe in a few days we’ll try their hands at finger painting on the Paper Mache balls. I’m sure there could be nothing dangerous about that….

Well, we tried.

It’s not the first time we’ve felt failure here in Nepal. The more you try, the more you fail. The more you succeed too though. Sometimes you’ve just got to try with no idea what is going to happen.

The kids had fun though, and we had a good laugh.

You can’t let your fear of failure stop you. You can’t let your lack of knowledge stop you. You can’t let anything stop you. If you want to help bad enough, you’ll start figuring out how.

We all want to help this world in some way. We want to make it a better place for everyone. Most the time though, we have no idea how to do it. So we just start and we figure it out along the way.

It’s been the most amazing experience feeling these failures as well as these successes. Every day is different.

This week I taught a great self-defense class. Then the next day I destroyed a Cerebral Palsy Daycare with Paper Mache.

Well, we tried. And I am happy that we did.

Tara

Problems of Competition

I am not a competitive person. Usually. I don’t really like feeling like I am pitted against another person. I also don’t like the feeling of “Either me or them.” 

And I’m not talking about competition in sports. I did Martial Arts for several years and I loved it. I still do. I loved competing and I did it a lot. It was a wonderful time of my life that I always look back on with fondness. I wish I could still do it now as much as I did back then, but other things beckon my time and focus.

I am talking about competing in life. Trying to get your degree and/or start your career before everyone else. Fighting others to climb ranks in a company. Fighting to get a higher and higher paycheck than your colleagues.

Always wanting the nicest house, yard, and car of everyone in your neighborhood. Getting the most awards. Being noticed by the most prestigious person. Wanting the best of absolutely everything there is. Not wanting others to have it.

I find all of it a little disturbing.

I will admit that there are definitely times when a certain amount of competition, or push, or force is necessary for life and getting by. That’s fine. That’s different. Just don’t let it change who you are. Don’t let it manipulate or change your mind.

I flee from competition a lot though. Especially when it comes to dating. We’ve all be there. Those times when it starts to become a fight between you and other girls for a certain guy’s attention. I almost always withdraw. I just know that I am really not my best self when I feel like I am fighting or competing against others. There’s no point to it. It does not help. And it just makes things harder.

You can definitely both be going after the same guy without it becoming a fight or a competition. It has to do with how you see it and how you choose to think about it and how you treat the others in it.

Competition turns people into objects in the minds of everyone engaged in it. It turns your competitors into simple barriers to break down or go around. And it turns the person you’re aiming to get into a simple prize. In your mind they are no longer beautiful, wonderful people with feelings and thoughts. Whether you think that implicitly or explicitly you are still training your mind to think that way. You may not think it intentionally, but it is still there and it is still changing your brain.

Stop fighting for people’s attention. Let things happen as they happen. Give it up. Call a truce. There is plenty to go around. Plenty of goodness. Plenty of time. Plenty of people and friends. It’s just hard to see all that when everyone is pushing and fighting against each other all the time.

Everyone has a spot and a path in this life. You only need one. Yours. Stop worrying about whether your path is the best or not, or whether you get everything that you think you want right now, or not.

“The Earth is full,” God said. (D&C 104:17)

I have even seen this problem in people when they are on humanitarian trips. Not always, but a few times. I’ve had lots of different friends do some very different volunteer trips to lots of different places around the world.

Sometimes there’s competition between them while they’re on the trip. Sometimes it happens in the bragging sessions after they get back. And of course, sometimes there’s both together.

It’s always disheartening to talk to friends who are far away, working to do some good in the world, and yet all they can think to do is continuously try to one-up each other on how much good they’re doing. Definitely their hearts are not in the right place, and now they’re just seeing those poor people simply as a means to helping them get noticed by their peers. How completely selfish that is!

A gift given in that way is no gift at all.

Do not let your mind go that way. We are all in danger of it at times. Be aware. Cross yourself.

It’s even worse to listen to them come home and brag about it. While I don’t believe in bragging about where you went and what you did, I do believe in talking about it. What you saw, what you learned, what you did. But do it for the people and not for yourself. Do it with some humility, graciousness, and respect.

Certainly in the end you will gain more than you gave. But not if that is what you are focused on.

What You Learn From Being Sick in Nepal

I've been in Nepal for about two weeks now, and I haven't felt very well for most of it.

To start with, there was some sort of big disagreement between the spicy food and my stomach. There was an open battle and then the silent treatment. They refused to be anywhere near each other. If they did come into contact it was like two toddlers unleashed at each other in all their tiny fury. There were also some nasty side effects. Mostly diarrhea. I also didn't know you could have constipated diarrhea. That's really a thing?

Then today when I got home from shopping I suddenly started feeling like I was going to puke everything up out of my body. I hate throwing up more than almost anything. So I ended up clenching my teeth and laying on my bed for quite a while. I never did throw up, but I do have a bad fever. I'm writing this while I'm still feeling a little loopy.

Different country. Different foods. Different lots of things.

It's honestly amazing how much a person can take for granted. I started a list in my journal last week of everything I've been taking for granted my entire life.

Warm showers was first on the list. Although I have gotten good at taking incredibly fast showers now.
Washing machine and dryer were next. Although you would be really surprised how therapeutic washing your own clothes can be. It's the waiting three days for them to dry that can be hard. #reallyhumidclimatehere
What about air conditioning? Or not always being slightly damp? Or paved roads everywhere?

I've already filled three columns on one page of things I've been taking for granted. Definitely somewhere on the list was having food that my body is used to.

What's all on your list? Or what should be on your list?

Nepal is a wonderful place. You learn a lot from the people here. They are so kind and so helpful.
We've been teaching English in the schools to the children.
We helped paint some classrooms in other school.
We've also helped with some demolition work on a house ruined by an earthquake.
We've worked with Days for Girls.
We've marched in a protest against human trafficking.

There is so much that can be done here and so many different projects we can work on.

There are some big differences between this beautiful, but developing country and the developed country that I am from.

Big, big differences!!!
Like, in Nepal people seem to have a lot bigger emphasis on relationships. There are good and bad people everywhere. You'll find the same thing in Nepal. However, in Nepal it doesn't seem that schoolmates are strangers to each other. Neither are neighbors unknown to you. We say good morning and Namaste to everyone and they always reply.

Even strangers aren't strangers! We went to the Teej festival a while ago and there were big groups of women all dancing together in different roped off areas. I remember watching as everyone danced with everyone! They would grab hands and dance and ask each others' names as they spun around and moved their arms in typical Nepali dancing. The younger girls taught me lots of their dance moves too. In return, they learned my silly, dancing weirdness.
                ***Somewhere out there are some girls that think they are dancing so American, when really.... I'm not sure what I was doing...

They are always willing to help however they can. I am pretty sure I have asked directions to different places from about a million people in this city. And if they can help at all they always will. I never feel brushed off or like I am a pest in the slightest.

And they aren't always sucked into their social media. They don't hide behind walls of glowing computer and phone screens. The kids in high school that we teach give us 100% of their time. Perhaps it would be easier to teach if they were a little less talkative every single minute of the time there. But I sure prefer that than trying to bring them back out of the internet world and into the real world all the time.

Yep! There are a lot of differences between this developing country and my developed country that I am from.

But maybe we could use some development of our own. Maybe in some ways we've gone forward. Maybe in other ways we've gone backward.

And maybe we could use some Nepali help in some of our own developmental needs. Things that they already seem to have figured out.

Like about the importance of people. And relationships.

And life.