Problems of Competition

I am not a competitive person. Usually. I don’t really like feeling like I am pitted against another person. I also don’t like the feeling of “Either me or them.” 

And I’m not talking about competition in sports. I did Martial Arts for several years and I loved it. I still do. I loved competing and I did it a lot. It was a wonderful time of my life that I always look back on with fondness. I wish I could still do it now as much as I did back then, but other things beckon my time and focus.

I am talking about competing in life. Trying to get your degree and/or start your career before everyone else. Fighting others to climb ranks in a company. Fighting to get a higher and higher paycheck than your colleagues.

Always wanting the nicest house, yard, and car of everyone in your neighborhood. Getting the most awards. Being noticed by the most prestigious person. Wanting the best of absolutely everything there is. Not wanting others to have it.

I find all of it a little disturbing.

I will admit that there are definitely times when a certain amount of competition, or push, or force is necessary for life and getting by. That’s fine. That’s different. Just don’t let it change who you are. Don’t let it manipulate or change your mind.

I flee from competition a lot though. Especially when it comes to dating. We’ve all be there. Those times when it starts to become a fight between you and other girls for a certain guy’s attention. I almost always withdraw. I just know that I am really not my best self when I feel like I am fighting or competing against others. There’s no point to it. It does not help. And it just makes things harder.

You can definitely both be going after the same guy without it becoming a fight or a competition. It has to do with how you see it and how you choose to think about it and how you treat the others in it.

Competition turns people into objects in the minds of everyone engaged in it. It turns your competitors into simple barriers to break down or go around. And it turns the person you’re aiming to get into a simple prize. In your mind they are no longer beautiful, wonderful people with feelings and thoughts. Whether you think that implicitly or explicitly you are still training your mind to think that way. You may not think it intentionally, but it is still there and it is still changing your brain.

Stop fighting for people’s attention. Let things happen as they happen. Give it up. Call a truce. There is plenty to go around. Plenty of goodness. Plenty of time. Plenty of people and friends. It’s just hard to see all that when everyone is pushing and fighting against each other all the time.

Everyone has a spot and a path in this life. You only need one. Yours. Stop worrying about whether your path is the best or not, or whether you get everything that you think you want right now, or not.

“The Earth is full,” God said. (D&C 104:17)

I have even seen this problem in people when they are on humanitarian trips. Not always, but a few times. I’ve had lots of different friends do some very different volunteer trips to lots of different places around the world.

Sometimes there’s competition between them while they’re on the trip. Sometimes it happens in the bragging sessions after they get back. And of course, sometimes there’s both together.

It’s always disheartening to talk to friends who are far away, working to do some good in the world, and yet all they can think to do is continuously try to one-up each other on how much good they’re doing. Definitely their hearts are not in the right place, and now they’re just seeing those poor people simply as a means to helping them get noticed by their peers. How completely selfish that is!

A gift given in that way is no gift at all.

Do not let your mind go that way. We are all in danger of it at times. Be aware. Cross yourself.

It’s even worse to listen to them come home and brag about it. While I don’t believe in bragging about where you went and what you did, I do believe in talking about it. What you saw, what you learned, what you did. But do it for the people and not for yourself. Do it with some humility, graciousness, and respect.

Certainly in the end you will gain more than you gave. But not if that is what you are focused on.

What You Learn From Being Sick in Nepal

I've been in Nepal for about two weeks now, and I haven't felt very well for most of it.

To start with, there was some sort of big disagreement between the spicy food and my stomach. There was an open battle and then the silent treatment. They refused to be anywhere near each other. If they did come into contact it was like two toddlers unleashed at each other in all their tiny fury. There were also some nasty side effects. Mostly diarrhea. I also didn't know you could have constipated diarrhea. That's really a thing?

Then today when I got home from shopping I suddenly started feeling like I was going to puke everything up out of my body. I hate throwing up more than almost anything. So I ended up clenching my teeth and laying on my bed for quite a while. I never did throw up, but I do have a bad fever. I'm writing this while I'm still feeling a little loopy.

Different country. Different foods. Different lots of things.

It's honestly amazing how much a person can take for granted. I started a list in my journal last week of everything I've been taking for granted my entire life.

Warm showers was first on the list. Although I have gotten good at taking incredibly fast showers now.
Washing machine and dryer were next. Although you would be really surprised how therapeutic washing your own clothes can be. It's the waiting three days for them to dry that can be hard. #reallyhumidclimatehere
What about air conditioning? Or not always being slightly damp? Or paved roads everywhere?

I've already filled three columns on one page of things I've been taking for granted. Definitely somewhere on the list was having food that my body is used to.

What's all on your list? Or what should be on your list?

Nepal is a wonderful place. You learn a lot from the people here. They are so kind and so helpful.
We've been teaching English in the schools to the children.
We helped paint some classrooms in other school.
We've also helped with some demolition work on a house ruined by an earthquake.
We've worked with Days for Girls.
We've marched in a protest against human trafficking.

There is so much that can be done here and so many different projects we can work on.

There are some big differences between this beautiful, but developing country and the developed country that I am from.

Big, big differences!!!
Like, in Nepal people seem to have a lot bigger emphasis on relationships. There are good and bad people everywhere. You'll find the same thing in Nepal. However, in Nepal it doesn't seem that schoolmates are strangers to each other. Neither are neighbors unknown to you. We say good morning and Namaste to everyone and they always reply.

Even strangers aren't strangers! We went to the Teej festival a while ago and there were big groups of women all dancing together in different roped off areas. I remember watching as everyone danced with everyone! They would grab hands and dance and ask each others' names as they spun around and moved their arms in typical Nepali dancing. The younger girls taught me lots of their dance moves too. In return, they learned my silly, dancing weirdness.
                ***Somewhere out there are some girls that think they are dancing so American, when really.... I'm not sure what I was doing...

They are always willing to help however they can. I am pretty sure I have asked directions to different places from about a million people in this city. And if they can help at all they always will. I never feel brushed off or like I am a pest in the slightest.

And they aren't always sucked into their social media. They don't hide behind walls of glowing computer and phone screens. The kids in high school that we teach give us 100% of their time. Perhaps it would be easier to teach if they were a little less talkative every single minute of the time there. But I sure prefer that than trying to bring them back out of the internet world and into the real world all the time.

Yep! There are a lot of differences between this developing country and my developed country that I am from.

But maybe we could use some development of our own. Maybe in some ways we've gone forward. Maybe in other ways we've gone backward.

And maybe we could use some Nepali help in some of our own developmental needs. Things that they already seem to have figured out.

Like about the importance of people. And relationships.

And life.

Why so Serious?

I am the more serious type. I’ve realized that a lot about myself lately. Especially when I am initially in new situations or environments.

I wouldn't really call it serious though. I would just call it more thoughtful.

I like watching people and things. I like to see what’s going on and how the world is going around. I like to put things together, I like to find connections, and I like to get answers and solve problems.

But that doesn't mean I'm serious all the time. I honestly love having fun. I love it to an absolute extreme degree. Serious people often know how to have the best fun. It’s not something that I focus on in every aspect of my life, but it is something I try to put into every area of my life on a very regular basis. Rarely am I the silly type though. Silly and serious don’t usually go together. Sometimes I’m goofy, and that’s okay. I can be really goofy sometimes. But rarely ever am I silly. I enjoy clever wit and good humor.

I also don’t believe in begging for attention. Attention is not always bad, nor is it always good. People that beg for attention rarely ever get the good kind though. What do I mean by begging for attention? Here are a couple examples:

Doing things you wouldn’t normally do in order to get noticed.

Or putting others down or making them look stupid in order to get a laugh from other people.

Or even wearing certain clothing or acting in certain ways that are sure to bring undesirable looks or actions from people in return.

Basically trying to force people to notice you and what you’re doing. A good life lesson for almost anything is that if you’re trying too hard to force it, it’s probably not worth it or meant to be.

Working at it is different than forcing it though. Way different.

Working at being friends vs. trying to force it.

Working at winning vs. trying to force it.

Working at a relationship vs. trying to force it.

So many things just have to grow naturally, along with a lot of help and work from you.

But if you ever find yourself not being yourself, you might really want to take some time to reevaluate. If you have to be someone different to try and catch a guy or girl than you might want to realize that it’s not really you that they would be falling in love with.

If you are acting different to try and get people to see you than you will need to understand that it’s not you that they are seeing. Rather, it’s your odd behavior.

They’ll know when it’s really you, and they’ll know when it’s not. Maybe not right this moment, but eventually. And then you’ll have a lot of explaining to do. Mostly to yourself, about why you are not accepting yourself for who you are.

Work to improve who you are rather than just trying to pretend to be something you’re not.

And ultimately, please realize that what you may think will catch that guy/girl or get people’s attention on you probably is just something that society has dreamed up. Like being overly giddy, or perfectly anything, or always funny. Those may seem good, but…

Some of the best fishing lures here will always, ALWAYS be: genuineness, honesty, and a constant stride for improvement.

That’s it. It’s that simple. Just be yourself. Not who you think you should be, or trying to copy what others are.

And if they’re not interested in you after that, well…. Don’t force it.

It’s not worth it, and that’s okay. There are always still a million more.

Tara Howard

Copyright Sep. 2016

Where’s Your Focus?

A couple months ago I decided to sign up for a trip to Nepal. I left on August 26^th and I have been here ever since. It is a humanitarian trip. We are currently working on many projects to help the lives and people of Nepal.

August 26^th has a lot of special meaning to me now. In 2014, it was the day I finished my 18-month church mission in Houston, Texas. And now in 2016, it is the day that I left for a 3-month humanitarian trip to Nepal. I was sitting in the Hong Kong airport a week ago, on my way to Nepal, thinking about and comparing these two very different trips I will have taken in my life.

Both types of missions are very difficult in their own particular ways. Definitely they are both meant to stretch and strengthen you mentally and emotionally. Sometimes physically.

**Every day in Nepal we get to climb a half mile up a hill. And in Texas we would ride bikes all day sometimes.

While I was on my mission in Texas it became very clear that a lot of the missionaries were there for some very different reasons. Some of them came because they thought it would be a good learning experience for them. Some of them came to “find themselves”. Some of them were there because they wanted to help others. And then there were a few that came because they “thought it would be fun.”

Let’s be clear on this. Missions are not meant to be fun. They are designed to be hard. They are meant to stretch you, to grow you, and to teach you. If you are looking for a good time, there are a million and one other ways to find that. Of course the missions can still be really fun if you decide to have them be. But if your complete focus is just on having fun than you are going to be sorely disappointed and you will accomplish nothing.

And that goes for anything in life! If you are going to your job every day hoping to just have fun, well good luck! Or raising children. Or going to college. Or learning a new skill. Fun can be found every day in life and in every area, but it is not our focus. It is an extra that you choose to add in.

******************’

I also want to compare one other thing in your focus on life. With those missions, you will notice that there were some people focused on what the mission could bring to them (what they could learn, or "finding themselves"), while others were focused on what they could bring to the mission. Wasn’t it John F. Kennedy who said, “ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country”?

Well that is a total life principle! Are you going through life looking for what it can bring to you? Are you coming on a mission looking to see what you can gain?

That’s the best way to gain absolutely nothing. It may seem little, but it makes the hugest difference. 

In order to find yourself, you've got to lose yourself first. In order to help yourself, you've got to help others. And in order to learn, you've got to teach.

Are you looking at all the people around you and wondering about their lives? Or are you looking at them and just seeing how they fit into yours? Are they a passerby on the street? Or are they a real person to you with real emotions and difficulties?

Focusing on what you can gain from these missions and other learning experiences in life can be a bit of a good thing, but only just a tiny bit. It is certainly not the best thing. When you’re focused inward, even in that way, it becomes very difficult to see past the end of your nose into the lives of the people around you. Even though I know you have the best intentions in wanting to better yourself.

Think about bettering the lives of others instead. “Forget yourself and go to work” said Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

In that way, you will gain so much more. But you won’t really realize it until you start looking back because you’re so focused on what the others around you are gaining in their own journeys. 

So figure out why you are where you are in your life.

Figure out where you’re going and why.

And then figure out if your focus and goals are really in that direction.

If it’s pointed inward at all than it is the wrong direction.

Tara Howard

Copyright September 2016

It's Okay to Not Be Okay Sometimes

I really feel like I am at a good place in my life right now. I know God wanted me to be in Juneau, Alaska for some reason. I have been learning a lot of things, meeting a lot of new people, and making a lot of new friends. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that it is good and I know it is what God wants. So I am confident in it and I am grateful.

But of course, life hasn't always been easy. It's not designed to be. Life is designed to be difficult. It is meant to stretch us, to test us, and to make us grow.

Despite all those challenges that we are all facing, sometimes people still think that we are still supposed to be perfectly happy all the time.  It's almost as if they think we should never show, or even have, any other emotion besides happiness, even as we take on the most challenging things we possibly could. I'm not entirely sure where that idea even came from. And it's ridiculous.

Why? Well first off, God has the full range of emotions, and so do we. He also expresses His full range of emotions regularly. The difference in this between Him and us is that He holds and expresses all His emotions in perfectly healthy ways. He does not bottle them up, deny them, or destroy them. That would be like destroying a part of who He is. He cannot and should not and never would do that.

The same goes with us. When we try to bottle up, deny, or destroy all our emotions besides happiness, that is like trying to destroy a part of our divine and God-potential spirits and bodies. Why would we do that? And why would anyone think that is okay to any degree? Controlling and expressing them healthily is completely different than trying to just push them down into the depths of nothingness.

Happiness is the ultimate goal. But it is not the whole pathway to it.

Simply put, it is okay to not to be okay sometimes. It is okay to be hurting. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to feel anger, just don't lash back out at people because of it. It's okay to cry, to retreat for a while, and to take time to heal. It makes you stronger in the end. It teaches you valuable lessons. It makes you more empathetic.

It makes you more like God.

When you deny your emotions or try and bottle them up, it makes it practically impossible to really deal with them properly. You cannot move forward. You cannot grow upward.

Allow yourself to feel bad, allow yourself to hurt. Allow yourself to feel sadness or anger or envy or happiness. Then figure out why you are feeling that way and then decide what you are going to do and where you are going to go from there. It takes some serious introspection sometimes. That can be really difficult, or even rather painful or awkward. The more you do it though the easier it will get and the better you will get at it. That's when the real growth can start to occur.

But it all starts with just being okay with not being okay sometimes. Not trying to hide it, not trying to fake it, and not trying to destroy it.

The other thing is that we all need to be a lot better at being okay with other people not being okay sometimes. We need to be better at allowing people to be sad, hurt, angry, or anything else without judging them. We do that way too much. Don't try and expect others to just be happy all the time. That is pure and simply ridiculous and childish. Let people be people, and let them have the opportunity to grow and learn.

Let them have the opportunity to feel.


Tara


Copyright May 2016

A whole mess of thoughts

I speak my mind way too often. Is there such a thing? Probably. But the topic that has been on my mind most of all lately has been the fact that I have definitely been born in the wrong decade. Maybe the wrong century.

I hear stories about the older days when kids respected their elders, when teens and youth were expected to work hard, and when everyone had a certain degree of common courtesy and respect. As well as a healthy dose of good manners. Those were the days when that was the way things were and it just seemed to be common sense. 

I long for those days.

Those days when people returned phone calls, even if they were difficult. When men wouldn't cuss in front of the womenfolk, or really at all. When people would give up the front seats for the elders or the ladies. When children said sir and ma'am, and when boys would help ladies across the street.

What happened? Why aren't parents teaching their kids these things anymore? And for the kids that are being taught it, why are they not holding onto it?

This lack of courtesy and manners seems to stem so much from a root of selfishness that seems to have crept very slowly into our society. Everyone wants to be able to do what they want to do, without any regard to the thoughts or feelings of other people. Life doesn’t seem to be about other people anymore. It all seems to about the self, and everything that the self wants.

People used to sit on their front porches with each other and talk about all sorts of things. Light-hearted as well as deep. They really knew how to talk. And everyone had a thought to share! And everyone had an opinion. And it was an opinion that they'd actually thought about and spent time on. And they could all respect each other in their thoughts and opinions and everyone wanted to share. And they would ask. And it was fine.

Now it all seems to be just about the me-game. What can I get for me? Who do I have to pull down so I can be higher up? It doesn't matter what people think about what I do, because it's me.

Nope. Nope. Nope nopety nope.

When did we all turn so inward? Why did we think that would make us happy? Since when did being wrapped up in ourselves ever make a good presence? Who cares about people who don't care about others? Nobody. We don't like being around them. And yet to some degree or another, we all act that way in different things. But most especially in our manners and courtesy. Or in the lack thereof.

We don't think about others as much. We don't think about getting to know them as much. People get weirded out when you start asking a lot of questions. 

I heard a story from a friend the other day. She went to visit a particular college campus where a friend lived one time. She said that when they pulled in, a whole bunch of guys basically swarmed their car asking if they could help them carry their stuff in. Just asking questions to get to know them. She said that, "It was like they were just sitting there waiting for someone to come along that they could help." What a great world that is! 

Guys offering to carry the packages for the ladies. Girls taking the guy’s arm as they walk.

Both of them using clean language around each other. What a sign of respect that is!

Opening the doors for the elderly and the ladies. Letting a mother and children move up in line.

Chewing with your mouth closed and offering help cleaning up after dinner.

Taking blame for your actions and working to fix them.

Being honest in all dealings and interactions with others.

Listening, and not interrupting.

You can speak your mind. Just learn to say it politely and without contempt. Also, taking criticism constructively and without anger. Everyone can use some improvement. Be grateful to those who want to help.

All is not lost. Many people still do many of these things. Heroes in a struggling society.

Could we have a strong return back to it all? 

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."    ~C.S. Lewis

A Question of Questions

"It you don't ask questions than people will ask them for you. Or rather, if you don't ask the questions of others, they will ask the questions of you."

I've never really been one to just go along with everything that others say and do, or have said and done. I like to ask questions. I like to push boundaries. I like to push and prod and poke at any place I sense could hold a flaw or a weak spot.

This doesn't mean that I like to destroy things. Don't get that false impression from me. It just means that I like to see where things go. I like to see how things happen. I like to see what holds and what doesn't as I push against it. I push against a lot of things. That's what makes them strong. I like to be certain and sure of things.

That's what has made my testimony of Jesus Christ so strong. That is one thing I am totally sure about.

When I push against things, or when I want to become sure about something, I am the kind of person that needs evidence. This doesn't mean that I need physical evidence. I have had more evidence of the existence and divinity of Jesus Christ than anything else in my life, and most of it was not physical. Yet it still has all been just as strong, if not stronger.

There seem to be some people in this world who have just followed in the same paths as the people before them simply because, "That's just how it's done." This could include any types of pathways in this world, including relational, educational, religious, or emotional pathways. That idea also includes a lack in any area. Such as deciding not to get an education, not believing in God, or avoiding relationships altogether.

Perhaps they're not following all that with those thoughts so explicitly in their minds ("That's just how it's done."), but if it's not in their minds it still definitely seems to be very implicit.

They don't question things much, if at all. They definitely don't question it enough. "Why do they believe that? Or why do you do that?"
"Well, because others were."

Do you really think that is going to hold when you stand before God? Or when you stand before anyone, for that matter? If you don't actually believe (or not believe) it for yourself, than why are you still walking on that path? Why don't you look around for a minute and think about your surroundings and what you're walking on?

Sometimes people think it's wrong to question good things. Some seemingly good things can be wrong though. And you'll never know until you ask. You'll never know if something you're doing is really good until you ask either.

When you ask, when you push, when you prod, or when you poke, it begins to help you put a sharp sword between the good and the bad, the right and the wrong. Your life takes on a lot more meaning and clarity. You become better able to move forward and change and grow. You're taking your life into your own hands!!

And yet people look at me as I push against things and they think that's so wrong. They think I should not questions things that others have already determined to be right and good. But I have not yet determined for myself that those things are right and good, and I do not want those things in my life to be left in the hands of others. I want them squarely in my own.

Some people also think that I will just be forever skeptical and that I will never find evidence for or satisfaction in anything. But that's not true at all! I have found a lot of proof and evidence in so many ways. And what I have found, and have seen, and have learned for myself I can now hold onto with all of my might!

Because I can. Because I know it for myself now. If I didn't know it for myself, than I couldn't.

This also doesn't mean that I need to try everything to know for myself either. Such as drugs or alcohol or theft or anything else like that. There are other ways you can learn for yourself that there are some things that are just not healthy for you or your life.

Every time I find something to be solid, I am then able to climb higher. It is a stair step. We push and push against the wall, and it holds. So we look up and realize it is a stair step, not a wall. And we are able to climb higher.

******************************

*Clarifying note. At some point since writing this I had two different friends ask me within two days why I ask so many questions of them. It is a little different when I am asking questions of people vs. when I am asking questions of life.

When it comes to people, I just love learning about them. I love understanding their thoughts, their lives, their dreams, their hopes, and their struggles. We're all facing this craziness called Life and everyone is coming through it in some absolutely amazing and different ways. It just blows my mind every time I hear another story from a friend, a loved one, or even a stranger.

Understand that I mean no harm, but there are amazing things about every person. And I love finding the gems inside each individual as they share their incredible thoughts and feelings buried inside their heart and mind. Perhaps they don't teach me things explicitly, but just watching life play out from their point of view as they bare just a piece of their heart is always an absolutely incredible experience to me.


Tara


Copyright April 2016